Brat Out Of Control
Saturday, May 09, 2009
So much for a tear free weekend :(
This entire week has been stressful and the weekend hasn't been much better. I get up this morning and am feeling really blah and just cranky so thinking that a spanking would help I ask for one and got a good six swats from the paddle and afterwards I felt better but it didn't last!! My day was just the day from HELL!! My car has no air and I am waiting on my damn warranty company to approve $900.00 worth of work to get it fixed but living in Texas with no air in your vehicle is hell so that just aggravated me even more!! MG and I go to walmart to get groceries and we get to the check out lane and my debit card gets denied and I don't know why because I just had put money in the bank. So the cashier tells me to try a credit instead of a debit and it approved it through credit ( thank god for over drafts LOL) So I go back to the bank and they tell me that the money is there and it must have been some type of gliche on walmart's part ...of course they don't take the blame therefore they blame someone else. So that was my day!! Of course MG says to worry gets nothing accomplished and if there is nothing you can do about it why worry ....well I guess that is an older person's thinking LOL ....because a 35 year old's thinking is totally different and he agrees that when he was my age he was the same way!!
So after all that we get home and put the groceries away and I am thinking that the day has to get better but it doesn't ......:( So MG goes to the cigar shop to smoke a cigar and be with the guys and I just succumb to the day's aggravation and cry for a good hour and a half on the couch!! That is what I do when I just can't take it anymore and most of the time I do feel better afterwards. My first thought was to go to bed for the rest of the night and just not deal with anything more but I am working tonight so I can't do that!! I guess I am just tired of life's problems but I know that is just life and they aren't going to go away!!
Sometimes I think having a baby will help me ....give me something to be happy about and give myself something to concentrate on besides my problems. I am 35 years old with no kids ....and the older I get the more I think about wanting to have a baby! But MG doesn't want children due to his age and he feels that would just be unfair to the child. I don't know ....I guess I am confused on what answer is right! I have always wanted to have children and it's something I think about often and I thought by now those feelings would have gone away but they haven't! I think about MG and I age difference and how I will be the one left alone when he is gone and that is very scary for me .....so I think if I have a baby then at least I wouldn't be alone! I know it's crazy thinking but it's how I feel!!
So after all that we get home and put the groceries away and I am thinking that the day has to get better but it doesn't ......:( So MG goes to the cigar shop to smoke a cigar and be with the guys and I just succumb to the day's aggravation and cry for a good hour and a half on the couch!! That is what I do when I just can't take it anymore and most of the time I do feel better afterwards. My first thought was to go to bed for the rest of the night and just not deal with anything more but I am working tonight so I can't do that!! I guess I am just tired of life's problems but I know that is just life and they aren't going to go away!!
Sometimes I think having a baby will help me ....give me something to be happy about and give myself something to concentrate on besides my problems. I am 35 years old with no kids ....and the older I get the more I think about wanting to have a baby! But MG doesn't want children due to his age and he feels that would just be unfair to the child. I don't know ....I guess I am confused on what answer is right! I have always wanted to have children and it's something I think about often and I thought by now those feelings would have gone away but they haven't! I think about MG and I age difference and how I will be the one left alone when he is gone and that is very scary for me .....so I think if I have a baby then at least I wouldn't be alone! I know it's crazy thinking but it's how I feel!!
Labels: aggravated, baby, thinking
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Back and no shortage of spankings for me :)
Just what the icon says "I am a spoiled brat' ...sometimes :) Although I am sure MG would say ..."All the time" LOL. Well I am back and I missed blogging here but I just needed a break from blogging, from spanking, from the lifestyle and from dealing with my problems!! I have been doing good and working on my issues that I have been going through for quite some time now.
I guess I just needed a break from everything in order to think about what I want in life and where I am going in life. For the past three years I have been kind of "LOST" and feeling like my life has ended although life goes on no matter what happens. Any ways I needed some time to just regroup and think about things. MG and I are doing better so this is a plus. We always seem to work things out and I think it's because we both truly love each other. Things are not perfect by no means but we are at least communicating more and I am trusting him more to open up :)
I have had plenty of spankings ...no shortage there LOL. Like I said I am a spoiled brat :)
Labels: back, spanking, spoiled brat
Thursday, March 05, 2009
UNHAPPY :(
Unhappy to be me
Unhappy tears down my cheek
Unhappy yet it's something more I seek.
Unhappy with everything in my life
Unhappy and now I am nobody's wife
Unhappy with myself but there's more to life than this , right?
Unhappy and every day is a fight.
Labels: unhappy
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Haven't Posted In Awhile Because ...........
It's been some time since I have posted and it's due to alot of reasons right now. I am stressed beyond belief and just haven't had enough spanking to help relieve any of it. Time has been a factor lately and even on weekends when there is time I am just not in the mood to be hit by anyone. My emotional state right now is NOT good :( I have actually thought about therapy but just can't afford it right now therefore I try to deal with it in the best way I know how. I cry alot .....every single night after work in fact and for awhile I thought "Well it's good therapy to just cry it out" but deep down I know that this is not normal behavior. I think I am depressed and I just don't know how to deal with it.
I try to confide in MG but there are times that I feel he just doesn't get it or understand me. I know he means well but being insensitive towards me at times when I just need him to say "Baby I am here for you" and just give me a hug but instead he is insensitive towards my needs and I feel rejected therefore I shut down and don't let him in because if I let him in then I might get hurt. There is just alot of stress ....stress at work , stress at home, stress in our D/s relationship..............just TO MUCH STRESS!
I don't feel submissive at all ....haven't felt that way for a while now and it eats away at me a whole lot. MG is not used to being in a full-time D/s or DD relationship so it makes it all the harder. I "brat" to just get his attention and sometimes when that does not work I will go further and just do something totally ridiculous ....it's a vicious cycle and I really hate it. I need more control and I have told him this and he says ok he will fix it and it NEVER gets fixed so yeah it's frustrating as hell to deal with. I still blame myself for it ALL too. It's always in the back of my mind that if I were thin with a nice figure then it would all go away ......that everything would be different with our D/s relationship and sexual relationship too. It's ALWAYS in the back of my mind especially when something isn't going right in our relationship. So as you can see I have not posted in awhile because I am just under alot of tremendous stress in all directions of my life. Ok this vent is now over!
Labels: depression, not enough spanking to relieve stress, problems, stress
Friday, January 23, 2009
RANT ABOUT ANONYMOUS COMMENTS MADE BY A JERK!!!!
This is to all the anonymous SOB's that think it's funny to leave rude comments on my blog. Thanks to these "freaks" I now have set it where I will have to approve my comments , which I thought I had on in the first place but apparently not.
Usually I don't address such nonsense publicly but I am BEYOND PISSED OFF!! I have had this blog for a little over 2 years now and when I first created it ...it was for ME. A place where I can come and safely express my thoughts, feelings and anything else I wish to express without being judged!
Yes I have anonymitity here because I choose to for several personal reasons but I am a real person who has feelings! This person was beyond cruel and needless to say I ended up in tears at his/her words. I know they are NOT true but for someone to judge me just because I am a person who loves the lifestyle is NOT RIGHT!! I am overly sensitive any ways and this was the LAST thing I needed in my life right now!!
I was going to post the comments from MR. OR MS. ANONYMOUS but I didn't want to stoop to thier level so I decided not too. Yes I guess I do come to MY BLOG here and complain, bitch, whine and brat but it's my space and if I need to vent those feelings in a post then I will do so as I please. No I don't need BEAT you asshole ...I had that for 10 years in my life and said goodbye to that over two years ago and NO ONE has the right to BEAT anyone whether they are in the lifestyle or not. MG is a very sensitive and sweet guy and he would NEVER lay a hand on me in that manner at which I am thankful for .....it's about time I deserve some peace and happiness in a relationship! Yes he spanks me when I need it , deserve it or even ask for it's always out of love and concern for me!
As for my "cussing and being a obedient submissive" (as you stated you idiot) I am NOT some door mat for ANYONE to step all over! Yes I do have a slight cussing problem and I am working on thatand MG is also helping me with that but your NOT my boss so get over yourself! Maybe I do need a good spanking with some soap for my language but again YOUR NOT MY BOSS ASSHOLE SO GET OVER YOURSELF!! I am just sooooooo angry at this person that I didn't know what else to do but post an entry about it and at least I can vent my side of this! MG is a GOOD MAN and I won't allow ANYONE to talk bad about him and I think it is soooooooooo UNFAIR of this person to judge either of us when they don't know us at all. Yes I have posted some very angry and expressive entries about our D/s relationship and there are problems but there are also good entries too! Our relationship is not perfect , it has it's problems but we are happy and that is all that matters.
I am sorry to my other readers for such an explosive rant but I am so angry at this person and I didn't want to let this go unknown. I just felt that I needed to let this person know that I DO NOT APPRECIATE what he/she said. As for my other readers who have left nice comments and good advice I say THANKS! I know that I am going to get some very controversial comments from people who either don't understand D/s therefore they judge because they are either misinformed or it's uncomfortable for them so this is how they deal with it. I also understand that because I have part of my life on public display through this blog that I will get people who are going to say hurtful things because it's different and they don't understand it therefore it's only human nature to judge me or say cruel things about me. But I also will excercise my right to DEFEND MYSELF and that is what this entry is about! Do I regret creating "BRAT OUT OF CONTROL" ....NO I don't because I have made many, many good friends through this blog :) It's really been mostly a positive experience for me and this "JERK" who left these nasty comments caught me at a bad time and off guard and that is the reason why I am so angry. I won't stop posting here because this is my place to vent how I feel in a safe manner! It takes alot more to run this BRAT off :)
Labels: anonymous comments, anonymous jerk, rant
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Writing Lines/ Torn with a heavy heart/ Random Thoughts!!
Things have been going pretty good with MG and I since the last few entries I have written. I was reading on those entries today and boy was I "angry". It's funny how at the time your writing it all down you seem to forget how angry you really are until you calm down and take the time to read it again and see how angry you really were. Any ways this blog is my safety zone where I can vent about anything I want and it has really helped me since starting it. I like to write my feelings down because it is theraputic in alot of ways.
But the one time I hate "WRITING" is when MG punishes me by having me write
lines :( This is one punishment I can do without! MG and I have talked about what is going on with me as far as why spanking alone isn't working to improve my behavior. Our relationship is a complicated one but adding a full-time D/s relationship into the mix and it gets really complicated. Our relationship has it's ups and downs but overall I think we are headed in the right direction , at least most of the time. It's far from perfect but nothing is perfect and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I finally had to admit something to MG that I really didn't want to admit to even myself but I knew deep down in my heart that what I needed was more than spanking to get my behavior under control.
So this past weekend I told MG that I thought he needed to add to my punishments but in the non-corporal sense. I didn't want him taking spanking out of the picture because I need that to feel loved and connected to him but I did think that adding things like soaping my mouth, writing lines or writing an essay, standing in the corner or even strapping my hands would help with the issues we were dealing with. I LOVE spanking and I love it so much that it's very hard to "punish" me through spanking only , it just does not work and as much as I didn't like that idea I had to admit that this is just the way I am and I need to learn how to accept it. I think that admitting this to myself and then admitting this to MG has helped me alot. If you don't admit something then that means your in denial and I was in denial for a long time about this issue. So I told him that using punishments I hate would help and I think it will.
I got into some trouble last night for doing something that MG hates and I have been told by him several times that I am not allowed to do it but in my mind I think I am therefore him just spanking me for this incident hasn't worked. So last night I did get spanked for disobeying but he also added a punishment that I hate and that is writing lines. I have to write 500 lines and I tell you it has been NO FUN!! I have 250 lines written already but I am only half way there and I am dreading writing the other 250 tonight but I will do it because I want this to work too. I have to get to the point in this relationship where I know who is boss and I haven't got there yet but I am working on it. MG asked me today if I think I am learning my lesson by writing these lines and I told him yes. I am learning that I can't do as I please and I am learning that he is serious when he says something then that means I better listen. I really feel that this is going to work so much better than just spanking me and that's it. There are some other things that I want to change in our relationship but I haven't had the time to sit down and talk to him about that. But that is kind of an update to what is going on in our spanking world :)
Tonight I have a good friend of mine coming over and we have been friends for a long time , actually she is a Domme and we started out with spanking play but we have become really good friends in that process. She and I were supposed to meet up last Friday night but she cancelled due to a family emergency so tonight she is coming over so we can just chat and also have a little play time as well. There are certain things that she can give me that MG can't right now and honestly I don't think he ever will be able too. I have been avoiding meeting up with her because I just didn't want to add more to this relationship than there already is but I just can't stand it anymore and I have given in and just said ...."Oh well". I love MG with all of my heart and soul and I was trying to only play with him but there are things missing that I need and want and he just doesn't get it. I have really battled with this and cried many tears over it as well because I am heart broken that I am going to play with her while I am in a relationship with him :( But I won't go without ALL of my needs being met either. You see I believe that while your in a relationship you should be "faithful" in all things in that relationship , whether it be sex, spanking play, bdsm. I just feel that it's being selfish if you have to play with others when you are in a relationship. I also know for a fact that it causes problems in a relationship when you are playing with others and when your significant other is playing with others .......been there and done that in my last relationship and it was a DISASTER!
So tonight I have a heavy heart about playing with her but she can give me things that MG will not give me. He says it's ok that I play with her as long as I am safe and there is no injuries on me with the play spanking but it still bothers me. I am not even sure if I can play with her tonight because of how I feel and she is such a good friend and told me not to worry about it and if we just talk then we can do that too. I don't usually get along with females and I have very few female friends but she is one female friend that I get along with very well and she is a true friend and maybe that is the difference. But I can talk to her about what is going on with me and she listens and gives me good advice and sometimes she just lets me talk and get it all out because I think that is what I need sometimes. I just hate being this sad :( I know that MG loves me but I sometimes wonder if he really enjoys playing with me because I am a woman and because of my age. He is used to playing with young males and females between the ages of 18-30 and I am 35 so maybe I am to old, to fat, or the wrong gender ....that is where my thoughts are on that. I am just so torn up inside about it and I cry way to often about it. So that is where my heart and thoughts are tonight!!
Labels: D/s relationships, heavy heart, playing with others, torn
Friday, January 16, 2009
SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so tired of the ups and downs in my life :( All I want is happiness and it seems like when I think I am there something happens to crush that.
I am so sick and tired of being treated as if I have "leparsy" in the D/s world. I feel like I am the one being punished for my ex-husband's sins. I hate him for making me this way! I hate me for allowing him to do this to me.
And MG does NOT make it any easier on me :( I am so sick of him treating me as if something were wrong with me and I feel like I can never be good enough for him or for anyone at this point. If I want to play "hard" then something is wrong with me, if I want "soap" then something is wrong with me, if I want "humiliation" then something is wrong with me, if I want "bondage" then something is wrong withme. I just want to SCREAM!!!
It's like living with fucking Patrick all over again and it's driving me NUTS !!!!!!!! The one thing I have asked of MG is if he plays with others ...FINE ....but don't treat me unequal of that person BUT I don't think he is CAPABLE of treating me equal!! If he is going to play hard with others then I EXPECT THE SAME , if he is going to role play then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to do bondage then I EXPECT THE SAME, if he is going to use soaping, cornertime, writing lines then I EXPECT THE SAME........HOW HARD IS THIS FUCKING SHIT??????? I mean REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I am not drop dead gorgoues, I know I am not thin, I know I am not 21 as the ones he plays with but if I am the one he LOVES then why in the FUCK would he NOT TREAT ME THE SAME AS HE WOULD ANOTHER? I am just soooooooooooo ANGRY and HURT right now that I can't even think straight!!! I am getting away tonight ....going to a friend's house so I can talk to her ....she is a Domme that I trust and have played with in the past and I just need some woman to woman advice and some very much needed hard play as well ......I just need these tensions released cause I am physically, mentally , and emotionally tired of it ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labels: BIG TIME BRAT RANT